There is a striking image of Camille: she’s out on her apartment balcony at night, wearing a bikini, and she’s juxtaposed by a warm glow from a light behind her and snow covering the ground below. Camille went out onto her third floor balcony that winter night because she was having an early menopause hot flash brought on by chemotherapy. She was looking for a release from the heat and sweat of the hot flash, yet she was also caught in a moment of uncertainty and fear.

“I honestly thought about jumping,” Camille said. “I’m such a strong person and strong people are not supposed to feel that way, but I thought I’m done, I don’t want to be here.”

If she jumped off the balcony, or succumbed to cancer, then what was on the other side of death? On the other hand, if she stayed grounded on her balcony, or if she survived cancer than what was on the other side of treatment?

“I was forced to sit still, to take a seat, and reevaluate my life,” Camille said. And what she felt was a profound urge to be free.

Before breast cancer, Camille considered herself scrappy and a bit of a fighter. She worked three jobs and raised two sons, committing herself fully to their extracurricular activities: from baseball and rugby, to Shakespearean festivals. Camille fought hard as a feminist to raise boys who are, as she puts it, annoying alphas and total feminists advocating for girls to join their sports teams. Mostly, Camille fought against feelings of vulnerability and non-acceptance.

“It cannot be healthy to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! The cells can hear what you’re saying,” Camille said. “It’s probably how I got cancer.”

Ultimately, as Camille put it, she decided to make cancer her friend—a friend that she didn’t want to be friends with, but knew she had to work with in order to accomplish her goal of a full, big life in remission.

Duality then became a defining part of Camille’s cancer experience. Even through the uncertainty, the night Camille stood on her balcony in the cold, she chose to lean into what grounds her: faith, love, and family.

“What gives me the most peace is my faith in God. I pray a lot and it’s there that I find comfort,” Camille said. “I rely on an inherited faith that was passed down from my mother and its value knows no limits.” Prayer and her connection to God have always been and will continue to be a guiding force in Camille’s life.

There is another powerful photograph of Camille that she shared with me via text message. She is sitting straight up on a plush sofa, her right breast exposed. She’s gingerly holding her first-born son, Mazi, who is now twenty-one years old, under his arms while he nurses. She stares directly at the camera with a smile that expresses the joy of new motherhood. There is strength in her uninhibited, natural care of her newborn son, and a sense of intimacy that no one else but Camille and her mother, who took the image, were there to witness.

Now, twenty-one years later, that right breast is smaller due to Camille’s segmented mastectomy to remove the cancer tumor and lymph nodes, and darker in hue after twenty-one different radiation appointments, including four that were heavily focused on the location of the cancer, and which left her with severe burns.

When Camille graciously sent me this image, she also sent me a text stating: “This is the same breast that betrayed me—the same one that was giving life. It makes me so angry and breaks me in a million ways.”

Camille said that it’s a harsh truth of cancer that most people are not ready for—this harsh truth leading to dark feelings and anger.

Camille described her dark feelings like an arm wrestling match. There are moments of strength and moments of feeling normal, but those moments can quickly dissolve: “You think you’ve got this, but then your arm slams down,” Camille said. “That’s what the darkness does, it slams me.”

Equally, she described love as a state of mind: “I see love everywhere and that’s a choice,” Camille said.

Camille described her heightened awareness of love as similar to having lost one of her senses; the other senses then become more heightened. “I was getting my Helen Keller on!” She described feeling love in a way that she never felt before, and not only how she wants to receive love but also how she wants to give it. One way this shows up for Camille is through her experience with the Malas for Tatas community.

Camille described her first beading brunch as a welcoming into a tribe of love. Every women there offering her a place to sit, rest and be unabashedly who she is. She described the room filled with women as love bursting out of the seams, a love so strong that it slowed down her beading as it filled her.

“Without the cancer, I wouldn’t have recognized this type of love, specifically a sisterhood of the female divine,” Camille said. “The Malas team, it’s powerful!”

Camille mentioned that she doesn’t always feel wanted and loved in her life all the time, but she feels it in the Malas community and when she’s with the sisters, Erin and Shannon.

With this, Camille has proclaimed herself as Miss Malas for Tatas. Similar to that of Ms. America, she’s taken on a sense of responsibility to serve her cancer community and the Malas team.

“I want to make the biggest impact as possible while reigning as Miss Malas for Tatas,” Camille said. “Can I get a sash?”

The image of Camille on her balcony was what ultimately got her nominated to be the recipient for Malas for Tatas. When Camille came back inside that night, she decided—though no one really knew her thoughts of suicide— to turn that moment into something positive, “I still felt tough because I stepped back inside and I was grateful to have two supportive friends there with me,” Camille said. So she decided to post it with an upbeat note on Facebook.

Her neighbor, Tracey introduced Camille to a friend, Abby, who also had breast cancer. Camille and Abby initially began their conversations by texting. After Camille met with Abby at a support group for women who had cancer, Abby nominated Camille for Malas. Coincidently, Tracey also reached out to Malas for Tatas to nominate Camille.

Camille described her relationship with Abby as also one of love and acceptance, with Camille referring to Abby as being so precious she’s Pink Himalayan sea salt of the earth. And her first meeting with Abby was her first introduction to mala prayer beads.

“She had a mala on and I thought, oh, that’s cute!” Camille said. “She kept grabbing onto that mala and it looked like it was grounding her, comforting her.”

Through her cancer journey, Camille allowed both darkness and light. She accepted death, while equally accepting and choosing life. Mostly, I think Camille accepted that uncertainty is the theme of life, but fear doesn’t have to define our experiences.

“Cancer is just a plot twist—but this story will keep going,” Camille said. “I rely a lot on my faith and I know greater things are to come.”

As Miss Malas for Tatas, Camille’s biggest contribution, I feel, is her message of hope. Her strength and her glowing soul is what compelled me to want to speak with her in the first place, after seeing an image with her and Mateo on the Malas’ Instagram profile. And her story is filled with so many moments of struggle and ferocity, which is deeply personal to her, but also a human, universal experience that can connect all of us together. I believe, and have faith, that Camille also feels that this is her superpower:

“I just want to give someone hope—hope to not hurt themselves while they have cancer, because we’ve all thought about it,” Camille said. “But the hope is there, people! The hope is there!”

Interview and story provided by Tiffany Kassab

Tiffany is one of our incredible Preferred Providers and we are so thankful for her generous contribution to Malas for Tatas and this beautiful interview featuring our current recipient, Camille Lewis. Thank you to Camille for your inspiring words, honesty, and hope. We are honored to have you as the current Miss Malas for Tatas.

Tiffany is a certified life coach, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram, @tiffanykassab on FB and @tiffanykassablc on instagram

Providing Hope